| Author | Message | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 35 Registered: 05-2005 |
I am the rain barrel of black water that ripples from the bottom up the staves through itself until perfect circles crawl outward in harmony to that which is not made by man. I am the woman who carries a singing bowl up tilted valleys into the Himalayas until her lungs sting from the ice. There I sound the “E” of the bowl, join with low moans from flutes of granite canyons. In a glacial pool, near a boulder that threatens to fall, a lotus rises, blooms its primordial cry. From one Pacific edge to another, sound swirls in dark depths, turquoise shallows. I am a whale beached by wave upon wave, cantos of lotus in her bowl, music of mother to her son. | ||
| marty
Advanced Member Username: marty Post Number: 584 Registered: 10-2003 |
Inspiring to say the least...and i love the sweeping imagery. Good writing here. Cheers Brethren Marty | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1249 Registered: 08-2003 |
Steve this is lovely. S1 is perfectly wrought. In S2, the "E" of the bowl distracted me. Maybe if that were described as a pitch, a word that describes the high resonance more descriptively. "Primordial cry" feels a little too common. I think you could find something more unique. S3 works very well through the end.  E | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 37 Registered: 05-2005 |
hi marty thank you for your thoughts. hi E, and here i thought you'd like that E, considering your name and all . i'm in the middle of stuff right now but when i get back to this, i'll revisit your comments. thx for reading s | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1265 Registered: 08-2003 |
Oh I like it! Just think it might be tough to understanding in a reading. I often think about how poems will sound when read aloud to see if they are sensical. E | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2181 Registered: 12-2003 |
Steve, this is haunting. I liked the "E" of the bowl, knew you referred to the sound of the note. If you decide to revise the "primordial cry" maybe just go with "blooms it's cry". Like the line breaks in this; black/water, bottom/up, perfect/circles, singing/bowl, sound/swirls. K | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2473 Registered: 07-2002 |
Steve, Call me crazy, but I think I'd like to see you swap stanza 1 with stanza 2. Hmmmmm. beautiful use of sound throughout. ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 39 Registered: 05-2005 |
dear E i think i'm going to keep this as is for now. i used 'e' for a personal reason and that 'primordial' is more than an adjective but an actual reference to the sound of 'om' and how it represents the basic sound of the universe. thx for coming back, you are a great addition to our moderators. thank you kathy for noticing those breaks, and those singing bowls grab you somewhere deep inside when you hear the note that matches you. thx for reading hmmm lisa, not sure about that swap thing. i'll think more on it. off to the hof archives, 3 yrs to go s | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1284 Registered: 08-2003 |
I kinda gathered that. Keep your "E" dear. My suggests are just that. It's a fine poem. E |
